Twinkie
by Ryth76
Summary: VERY cracky one-shots about an orc and... his teddy bear? Based on a comment from Council of Elrond on the slave-driver in 'In the Company of Orcs.' New Chapter! After being stolen, Twinkie faces horrors the likes of which no man or elf or orc has ever faced: robots, archery contests, and tone-deaf orcs. Will he ever find his way home?
1. Twinkie

**A/N: This story is not an original idea. I borrowed the idea from Maushash, a Council of Elrond member. This is what REALLY happened in the scene "In Orcs' Company" as seen in the ultra rare (not too mention supposedly nonexistant) RotK EEE (_Extensive _Extended Edition) only._ Was originally posted under my old account 'Twylight_elf.' So if you recognize it, it's from my old account.  
_**

**Twinkie & Morhont**

It was a typical boring day in the life of Golthak Morhont. Slaves had to be beaten, threatened, whipped, or executed, repeat, stupid inspections had to be carried out in case one had run away, yadda, yadda... So, _so_ boring that he nearly melted in the sweat of boredom.

He sighed and reached into his pack to pull out…

"A teddy bear? _You_ have a teddy bear?" Asked one of the few Gondorian slaves. The man was trying his best not to giggle. The poor orc-driver scowled at him and said proudly, "His name is Twinkie, you dirty scum!"

The Gondorian progressed into loud chortling. "Twinkie!"

Big mistake. "Are you insulting Twinkie?"

The Gondorian burst out laughing. "A big tough orc with a teddy bear called Twinkie! What a hoot! Twinkie! Hahahahaha!"

"Shut up."

"Hahahaha—" The Gondorian flopped down dead in mid-laugh. Once through with avenging his teddy, Morhont patted Twinkie on the back and said, "No worries. The mean ol' Gondorian is gone now."

"Hey, you sluggards! The Dark Tower is sending everyone to the Gate! Move out!"

Morhont put Twinkie up with an injured sniff. Well, at least _something_ was happening.

They didn't go far when he saw two small orcs that looked sort of funny with beaked helmets. Okay, so they looked like a pair of circus orcs on booze. He gawked at them for a brief moment. _Now THAT is one style I've never seen before… to be honest, I'm glad I haven't! _He quickly resumed his orc-driver role of yelling, whipping, and shoving and the little orc-clowns vanished into the ranks. He was relieved when they also vanished from his view. Somehow he felt ill at ease with them around. Maybe it was because they looked like the evil orc-clowns he'd always dreamed about as a little orc. Maybe they planned to kidnap Twinkie! Soon enough, though, he forgot about them even before the first inspection. Then things got really interesting.

"Company halt! Inspection!"

While some big orcs looked over the slaves, Morhont unpacked Twinkie and began a nice conversation with Twinkie, hugging the bear tightly. Suddenly there was a loud clunk followed by, "No one pushes me, you filthy maggot!"

So much for quality time with his bear… Morhont grumbled under his breath before running over to the quarreling orcs. The little deserters with the funny armor, wouldn't you know? He whipped them in a hurry not to look like an idiot in front of the inspectors. They ate orc-drivers for breakfast. Or so the horror stories before bedtime went. "Break it up! Break it up!"

It should've worked, but _no-_o! They proceeded to fight, pushing and shoving like wild things. Well, actually, they didn't get quite that bad. But _still_ the rebellious will those two had!

Someone tapped him on the back, poking insensitively. "Hey!" That someone growled loud and clear right in back of him. And jerked something soft and furry from beneath Morhont's free arm!

Twinkie! Morhont stood up abruptly and looked one of the inspecting orcs straight in his, um, eye and eyeball. The stupid lug had _his_ Twinkie! Morhont nearly screamed, but the cretin went on, pointing his free hand at him, "I'll have your guts if you don't quiet down this rabble!"

Morhont shut up quickly. Even though he hadn't started screaming yet.

_Great, my bear is being held captive, I just got threatened because some stupid orcs are acting up, and I have just till they send us on to rescue Twinkie on top of it! _

Or so he thought. The inspecting orc looked around. "Hmm?" The ridiculous looking little orc-clowns were gone. "Ah! Move along, scum!" He waved a dismissive hand at the orcs and Morhont.

_Twinkie! My poor, poor wittle Twinkie-winky! NOOOO!_

Of course, Morhont only shouted, "Back into line!"

As his group of orc-slaves moved out, Morhont promised himself and Twinkie that no stupid orc would ever keep them apart. He would rescue his Twinkie Bear some day!

_**A/N: This will be a two parter. Originally, I had this story and its one-chapter continuation published as separate stories, but I think it would probably be best to post them together as a two-chapter story.**_


	2. The Twinkie Adventure

_Disclaimer: I do not own The Lord of the Rings and I do not profit from this.  
_

**A/N:** Reading this again after so many years fills me with nostalgia. Even though I had to ax Peter Jackson out and replace him with a robot to do so. Kinda wish I kept the old version though; not every site has the 'no real people' rule.

* * *

ʕ•ᴥ•ʔ **The Twinkie Adventure** ʕ•ᴥ•ʔ

A few miles from Morhont's company of orcs, Frodo fell to the ground. He panted, "I can't manage it, Sam. It's such a weight… Such a weight…"

Sam took off his orc-helmet and, pointing toward Mount Doom, said, "We're going that way; straight as we can. There's no sense in taking what we won't need. I'd rather be killed right away than see what I think we saw again."

Frodo nodded. "It's such a weight," he sighed dramatically again.

"What? The Ring?"

"No, thinking of those orcs with the toy bear."

"Oh. That makes more sense."

ʕ•ᴥ•ʔ

Twinkie was in a sour mood in the arms of the big fat inspector. He wailed 'Daddy-_y_!' And huffed when no Morhont scooped him up and cuddled him. He found Morhont a little irritating at times, especially when he starting singing 'lullabies' from hell, but he'd prefer Morhont's horrible singing to the inspector's constant thumping and rattling. Not to mention, he hadn't said one thing to Twinkie. It was as though he didn't think Twinkie was alive!

Twinkie fell with a loud bump into someone else's arms. "Here you go, Master Robo-Jackson, sir. Just like you requested," grunted the inspecting orc.

'Robo-Jackson? Like _Peter_ Jackson? Oh NO!' Cried Twinkie in his mute voice.

"Why you want him?"

"ARCHERY. SHOTS."

The orc stared blankly at the robot.

"ESTIMATES. SHOW. AN. ARCHERY. CONTEST. FOR. THE. ORCS. WILL. BENEFIT. MORALE." It paused, then added as forethought. "AND. ORCS. LOVE. TEDDY. BEARS."

"Oh. Okay."

'I can't understand all those fancy words. _Archery?!_ He wants them to destroy me? Somebody _save_ me! Oww!'

What happened next was a nightmare. The big brute hung Twinkie _upside-down_ by a leg in some sort of shooting booth. Twinkie screamed, 'This isn't dignified! I'm gonna call my lawyer! Morho_-ont_, help! Huh? Morhont?'

Twinkie caught a glimpse of a traumatized Morhont gawking at him, black eyes almost as big as the Eye. "No! Not my Twinkie! Anything but that!" The poor, poor orc-driver cried pathetically.

Twinkie glared at him in disgust. Of course, outside his face didn't change at all, but a glare is a glare. 'Shut up and rescue me already!'

ʕ•ᴥ•ʔ

Just then though, Robo-Jackson snapped from the sideline, "INTRUDER. ALERT. ORC. DRIVER. DETECTED. INITIATING. BOUNCER. PROGRAM."

"What?"

Lasers from the robot's eyes gave a final answer.

"Aah! Ow! Stop that! That's my Twinkie!"

"WHAT. TWINKIE?"

The robot swiveled its head – which looked very creepy since it looked like a dead-ringer for the real Peter Jackson – to look at his human owner, who was eating a golden treat gleefully. "DID. YOU. TAKE. THE. ORC'S. TWINKIE? GIVE. THE. ORC. BACK. HIS. TWINKIE."

His human opened his mouth to protest, but a red-eyed look from the robot squashed his urge to protest. He glumly held out his crumbling twinkie snack. Morhont sniffed it and made a face. "Yuck! Elvish poison?"

He threw it away as though burned at the thought. "Ew! Ick! Ew! Bluh-yuck!"

When he looked up, the robot and his human were gone. "Hey!" He started to yell. "Come back here, you heaps of manflesh… metal…flesh…" his yell drifted off as he realized that 'manflesh' didn't make any sense as an insult for a robot and metal-flesh sounded embarrassingly orcling-ish.

He imagined he could hear the real Peter Jackson's eccentric giggle. In reality, he could hear nothing but the gripes of fellow orc-drivers over missing out of the fun. Some fun. Especially for the row of Gondorian prisoners tied up against the beams of the tent with bullseyes on their chests. Even less so though for Morhont and Twinkie.

ʕ•ᴥ•ʔ

"Okay! You each have two tries. May the best archer win!"

A volley of arrows whizzed toward Twinkie. 'Gah!' Twinkie screwed his eyes shut tightly. He felt a sudden dart of pain and the painful tickle of stuffing oozing from a toe.

'Aah!' Screamed Twinkie. The feeling was mutual. "Aah!" Screamed Morhont.

Someone shot the orc who'd hurt Twinkie. Some more arrows were shot. One red-eyed orc, certain he would be the one to win the teddy bear, shot an arrow straight for the furthest bullseye prisoner with an enraptured stare. The arrow spun toward the bullseye, moving in slow motion as it came near the mark, trailing funky rings. It suddenly sped up and split the bullseye in two, killing the prisoner. The prisoner went limp with a hissing death gasp in mid-second.

"Aah!" Screamed Morhont.

'Aah!' Screamed Twinkie.

"Ladies and orcs, we have a victor!"

_'Morhont! My poor, poor Morhonty-wonty personal slave! NOOOO!'_

"Hey! That's _my _bear! Go get your own!" Morhont snapped at the victorious orc.

The red-eyed orc with almost vertical slits for nostrils blinked at Morhont. "Fooby's _mine_."

ʕ•ᴥ•ʔ

A couple of hours earlier, a bunch of dead people ran through the ranks of the orcs and killed everyone. Including the enraptured red-eyed orc with nostrils from Venus who'd renamed Twinkie the dorky name of Fooby.

Twinkie lay irritated on the ground, squished beneath his new dead slave-daddy. After a while, the uncomfortable teddy bear with the torn hand fell asleep.

It was many hours later before some stumbled over his lower half poking out from under the dead orc. Someone tugged him inconsiderately out from under the dead orc. It was night.

"Hello there! What is a… sweet little bear like you doing out here?" A rider of Rohan asked softly.

_'Be still my heart! It's not that bad... HEEELP!__'_

ʕ•ᴥ•ʔ

The rider was actually rather pleasant really to be around, aside from the whole mortal enemy thing. He stitched up Twinkie's torn hand and carried him in the front of his horse. Twinkie was having the time of his teddy bear life. 'Yay! I get to ride the pony!'

The man glanced thoughtfully down at him and said, "I should take you into battle. I get nervous during battle and somehow holding you is comforting."

_'Into battle? As if this day couldn't get any worse…'_

Later that day, the man died and Lugburz blew up in front of everyone's face, causing a huge shockwave. The shockwave struck Twinkie so that he was thrown up high into the air. He was blown far into Mordor, screaming in his mute little voice, 'Aa-aa-aah! WEEEE! Aa-ah-aah! Woohoohoo!'

ʕ•ᴥ•ʔ

A sulking Morhont shuffled toward the orc-store, sniffing and hiccuping to himself. He entered the store and peered into the counter mirror. His eyes were swollen and blue from crying and his nose was almost black and even bigger than normal. _My Twinkie! My sweet wittle Boo-poo! _His little brain bawled.

_Shut up, _grumbled the other portion of his brain. What other portion? Never mind.

Morhont sneaked around until he saw his destination of doom. The little bear collection of the store. The price for one would've been considered outrageous out here, but in Mordor they were a rarity. And to buy one would be accepting the fact that he would never see his cuddly Twinkie Bear again. _I never got him a pony like he asked me! _He paused. _Orc, I must be going insane!_

His eyes fell on a white bear with a pink bow. _That's a cute girl bear… _

He scooped her up and hugged her. She fit almost as well in his arms as Twinkie had. _I think I'll call her Minky._

He bought the bear and sat outside with a sigh. As soon as he did so, the shop collapsed behind him. He didn't notice fire spewing out of Mount Doom only a couple miles away from him, nor did he notice that the tower was almost touching the ground. Suddenly with a _Phooomph! _the eye snapped into non-existence. The shockwave only knocked him a little bit.

"Oww! Okay, this is… bad. Right, Minky?" The little bear only glared up at him. Morhont sighed. Somehow it wasn't the same without Twinkie.

He said, "You would've liked Twinkie, my old bear. He was a little… bigger than you." He didn't want to insult her weight. "And this big orc stole him…" He told her everything that had happened. He imagined her expression was softening a little. If only he knew. Minky was screaming for someone to shut up the annoying blabber-mouth.

Someone unexpectedly answered her screams. Morhont was knocked over again by the hard blow of something from far up in the sky like a huge furry hailstone. "Gah! Oww…"

He looked over at whatever had hit him. His entire world lit up. "Twinkie!" And he scooped up his old bear and squeezed him tightly. He stood up and started dancing around like a geek.

'It's good to be home.'

ʕ•ᴥ•ʔ

Meanwhile faraway…

"I'm glad you're here with me, Samwise. Here at the end of all things…" Frodo murmured to his weeping friend on a stone atop Mount Doom.

"Here at the end of all _sanity!_" Sobbed Sam, looking down in horror at the orc dancing around with two teddy bears not far away from the foot of the mountain.

"Um… That too. But that wasn't my point."

"I…" Sam hiccuped. "Know."

The orc danced away into the distant haze, teddy bears in hands. Frodo said after a moment, "Maybe dying wouldn't be to bad after seeing this. The others would not believe us if we told them the true story anyway."

"Rosie's never gonna consider me if I tell her this!" Samwise wailed.

ʕ•ᴥ•ʔ

Far away, an orc danced around happily with his two teddy bears. At last, as the sun began to peek into Mordor at Mount Doom as Gandalf flew to Frodo and Sam's rescue, Morhont found a place to sleep for the night.

With a shock he remembered he hadn't introduced his bears to each other. So he plopped down and gave them a quick introduction.

"Twinkie, meet Minky. Minky, meet Twinkie."

'I kinda like this Morhont fellow. He's fun,' Minky told Twinkie.

'Only because you've never heard his lullabies.'

'He sings lullabies?' Minky sounded too happy at the news.

'You don't want to know…'

Sure enough, Morhont burst into singing as though cued.

'Aah! What did I do to deserve this torment!' Shrieked Minky. 'Someone steal me!'

'Yeah! Steal me, too!' Cried Twinkie, wincing at the horrible sound flowing out of Morhont's throat.

The orc-driver sung on, unaware of the agony of his bears.

'Aah! It pains, it burns! Someone steal us from this monster! _PLEASE!_'

ʕ•ᴥ•ʔ

And so, Morhont and his beloved teddy bear were united at last and were joined by Minky. They never separated ever again.

Frodo changed their story about the orc company to save face. Sam used the Frodo-version for Rosie after wetting his pants at the thought of Rosie laughing in his face at their "tall tale". Their version of what happened is the version Tolkien translated and everyone has heard of. Later though, some fans caught up on this deception. Unfortunately, no one ever believed them.

And they all lived happily ever after, or somewhat happily, or sadly, or died, or lived a boring, dull life. But as for Golthak Morhont, he never drove another group of orc-slaves again and lived happily ever after with Twinkie and Minky.

So now you know what _really_ happened. Of course, not many people believe this. Do you?

ʕ•ᴥ•ʔ _The End_ ʕ•ᴥ•ʔ

* * *

**A/N:** ... I was an odd child.


End file.
